Working through and out

I am still trying to figure out who I am. I am trying to understand why I have been unwell for so long and how to reconcile my past, with all its darkness, pain and trauma, with new hope and a vision of a better future for myself. I know I can’t live anyone’s life but my own. I just don’t know how to do that yet. I want to feel like I belong in the world. I want to know what it is like to live intentionally, purposefully and progressively. I want to uncover the reasons why I have been holding myself back, and what lies at the root of my negative beliefs and intrusive thoughts. I want to know why I have feared happiness and believed only in self-hatred and destruction. I want to know what has kept me from feeling worthy of life. I want to know what it is to truly be me, in a mind that is free from darkness and pain.  I want to heal, move forward, and finally come alive.

I truly believe

I believe that I am worthy of good things. I believe I am capable of healing. I believe that my life will get better. I believe that my mind is powerful and will help me overcome any challenges I face. I believe in the timing of my life. I believe that things will work out. I believe I am exactly where I need to be right now. 

Strength is:

  • Accepting change
  • Being kind to yourself
  • Coping with pain and difficult feelings
  • Looking at the experiences you’ve been through with compassion
  • Acknowledging your flaws and imperfections
  • Knowing your limits
  • Opening up and talking honestly about your mental health
  • Looking after your wellbeing
  • Challenging your inner self-critic
  • Overcoming fear and self-doubt
  • Questioning negative beliefs
  • Committing to doing the best you can at any one time
  • Living in line with your values
  • Understanding you can’t have all the answers
  • Having patience for your own development
  • Helping that development along wherever you can
  • Trusting the timing of your life
  • Asking for help when you need it
  • Being self-aware, reflective and encouraging your own growth
  • Celebrating what makes you unique
  • Living hopefully
  • Allowing happiness in when you find it

Where is my anchor?

I am having to let go of some of my most deeply ingrained meaning structures: the thoughts and beliefs that have formed my sense of self, as well as the basis of how I understand and interpret the world and my place within it. Now I feel lost, adrift, bereft. I have no sense of who I am. I feel displaced. Even in my own home. I walk the streets like a lost spirit. I grasp at pieces of hope and connection, but they never enough to replace my emptiness and confusion. I want to be anchored. I want to find a sense of purpose and belonging. We all need to be anchored in something, for that it what enables us to bear the storms of the sea and the turbulence of the waves. Right now I am being swept away by the current, unable to gain a foothold, trying desperately to keep my head above the water.