you can never be free of yourself, I replied
to peter, one rain-pelting monday morning
for what you are and will become
has already been written in the ground
and all we can ever do in this life
is pass the time and walk over it
stretching, striding, yawning
from pavement to office buildings
enacting our daily human rituals
with dinner plates, cutlery,
and glasses of wine
but don’t worry I said, to peter
a good mate of mine

just pick up the fork
‘cause you’re doing just fine.

The Science of Madness

I’m not sure that anyone knows a single true thing. Everything I once thought was either great, original or profound has lost its lustre. My own internal voice does not even feel like it belongs to me. I am aware of it from the outside as well as creating it from the inside. Sometimes I feel like I am merely a representation: of all the immeasurable experiences, memories and sensory inputs that form every one of my past or current thoughts and actions.

Somehow I know more than I ought to know, but at the same time I clearly know nothing at all. These days, I have no idea whether I am in control or out of it. I don’t know what is an illusion and what is real. I don’t know if life is just one massive lie and deception. Philosophy must be the science of madness, for there can be no certainties except those which we create for ourselves. Given this, it would be quite easy to fall through into a dark and endless chasm of emptiness. And if you’ve been given a chance at this thing called life, that is no way to spend it. Somehow, one must reconcile all this wretchedness I just have put down in words with the ability to find a sense purpose and fulfilment. I choose to believe this is possible.

Feeling Strange

Today I was feeling strange, but this is itself is not unusual. I spend so much of my life feeling peculiar that I hardly know what normal is anymore. The trouble is that although I know I don’t feel right, I can’t put my finger on precisely what is wrong.

It’s like when one bad note on the piano makes the whole tune sound offbeat, but you just can’t work out which one it is. Suddenly, what you thought was easy and almost non-existent background music becomes discordant and ill-sounding. In fact, for the first time you begin to notice that the music’s even there at all. From that moment forth nothing makes quite the same sense it did before. You’ve suddenly got music where there was no music- and it ain’t sounding nice either.

I know this sounds very odd, but it’s tricky to describe. All I know for sure is that I’ve been feeling strange, but I can’t seem to find the note to put everything right.