Mind the Gaps

I’m tired of living with this sense of terrible and nameless dread. It completely consumes me and makes me feel paralysed with fear. The world seems hostile, and I can’t connect with anything or anyone. It stops me from feeling properly human. I don’t know what to do with myself, who I am or what anything is. I want to engage with life and live fully. I want to be free of this, but I have no idea how. It’s hard to believe things can be different when nothing I do seems to work. The days turn into weeks, and weeks into months, and still I am plagued by this strange and sinister fear that I cannot make sense of. I won’t give up, but inside I’m scared.

Dread dread dread

It’s always in my head

Be careful not to take away the ‘r’

‘Cause then you’re left with dead

I fell on Hard Times

and Hard Times looked at me

and said:

‘Do you mind not falling

quite so hard if you please?

Why don’t you try

giving Tough Break a go?

He’s stronger than me

and this much I know,

I’m afraid all these falls

are hurting my back

and I really don’t have

what it is that you lack.

If only I could stand

then I might get the chance

to walk a little, do a little

on my own poor behalf.

So please, oh please

don’t go falling on me:

get up and go out

and set us both free!’

And then that’s it. We are removed from this earth; from life, from living, from breathing, thinking, sensing, moving, touching and feeling. We are removed from experience and conscious thought. The drive to move forward will be gone, for with death comes eternal and unalterable stillness. What then, shall we do with our lives and mortality while we still have the time to make something of them? Every day is a chance to rewrite our narrative; to relive our world in a new way. We often live without truly thinking – without pausing to look inwards and question what we are doing. Is there meaning in it? Does it fulfil us? Are we doing what we want to do? And if not, why not? Why do we wait? What is there to wait for except more lost time? Hurry up and live. There’s no better moment than now. Tomorrow is uncertain, and the future is never guaranteed. We only die once. So begin at once to live.

I am exhausted of not knowing what to do with my life. I feel dull and stunted, like an old broken pencil that cannot write properly.

I wish I had more words, but they just will not come.

This is all I have in me.

 

 

 

 

I’m tired.