Without irregularity and imperfection, neither you nor I would exist. It is normal to look at yourself with a critical eye. We all do it from time to time. However, from the age of 10 I have spent a lifetime hating myself and obsessing about my appearance to the point of mental collapse, self-destruction and loathing, and an inability to integrate into work/social life. Not many people know this about me as it is a part of my mind I keep locked away and has been the cause of some of my most extreme and frightening periods of mental illness.
This cognitive and behavioural hyperfixation tendency has become such a deeply ingrained default setting- dominating everyday of my life- that it feels unnatural for me to think or believe any differently. But I cannot hope to progress or live peacefully unless I confront and challenge the thoughts that tell me I am unacceptable to myself (and therefore that I don’t deserve to live).
I am trying to understand why I think this way, whether it holds any validity, and how to develop a more compassionate sense of self. It’s not a straightforward process, but I would like to one day feel freedom from the tyranny these thoughts have held over me for so long. Then maybe, I can start to write and live a new story for myself.